The UnValentine

Wow! I haven’t blogged in quite a while… time to start it up again…

As I ponder this Valentine’s Day, I have quite a few thoughts going through my head.

Apparently my brother seems to think I’m way anti romance, or love. He gave me a book for my birthday titled “The UnValentine” by Sam Beeson. It is a very cute book and he said it reminded him of me.

http://www.amazon.com/Unvalentine-Sam-Beeson/dp/1590388437

I can see his point of view on this. I seem to balk at romantic comedies. I think people who have to declare their sappy puppy love on face book and other places should find something more constructive to do with their time, and although I’ve had relationships that have been fun, I’ve never gotten myself too attached.

But does that mean I don’t want romance or feel love? I’ve been watching quite a bit of “Glee” lately. I love the music and it is so over the top cheesy that I can stand it. I like Jane Lynch’s character Sue Sylvester. She is so calloused and hard, but underneath she really is soft. Is this how I come across to my family and those I love now, and have loved in the past? I’ve been through my share of heartbreak; I just don’t let the world know. Is that cold? Maybe. Maybe not. I just don’t see a point in letting others know I’m miserable. I’d rather just come across as a happy carefree person. If you piss me off, I’m not going to let you know about it. I’ll find something else to focus on, something else to care about, and when that wound heals you won’t even know it existed. Unless I really care about you, then you'll know... ask my family.

I do want romance and love, as two of my personal heros can attest – I helped them out with Valentines this year. I loved helping and giving ideas that sometime in the future I can use, but they can test drive and give me feed back on. This year I did send  a card (or two). 

One of these people told me I’m a care giver and that that is why I’m able to help out with the ideas they needed. I needed to hear that, especially when I start feeling like people see me as a cold un-romantic-anti-valentine person.

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One of these people told me I’m a care giver and that that is why I’m able to help out with the ideas they needed. I needed to hear that, especially when I start feeling like people see me as a cold un romantic anti valentine person. And just because I feel like this right now

http://shop.cafepress.com/do-not-touch-me-cupid

Doesn’t mean that I don’t want this later….

 or this 

http://www.someecards.com/the-walking-dead-cards

What an adventure...

Life really is an adventure. I was doing some recollecting this morning on the past year and the changes that I've made and am making. I am on a journey, and hopefully before I call it quits on this journey I will have lost 100 lbs. I've been making great progress, but its hard. I don't pretend that I don't cheat, because I do. I try to be good but some habits are just so hard to break. I'd really rather have pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream, hash browns, sausage, and or bacon than oatmeal or "healthy" cold cereal. It's hard eating 6 times a day and remembering - "oh, now it's snack time! Stop what you are doing and go eat". That being said, following the rules on eating that Dan, my amazing trainer, has given me, eating oatmeal and healthy cereal for breakfast is working, and I'm feeling good. I notice a difference when I eat and when I don't eat, and with what I eat.
Josh that I work with had almost cured me of my "I have to have a doughnut, because they are here" excuse. I see them, I think that would be good, but not as good as being healthy will feel. I wish that I could do the same thing with Chili Cheese Dogs, but I haven't found that will power yet, they always do, and always will be a weakness to me. Learning to eat healthy after years of not is not easy.
Along with eating healthy is exercise. I started doing water aerobics and got a monthly pass to the rec center. It fun. I really like the teacher on Tuesday nights. She makes it fun but kind of intense at the same time. I enjoy it, I also feel super uncoordinated and silly at times, but everyone else probably feels the same way, so usually I just make a joke and laugh it off. I bought a new bathing suit a week or so ago. I like that it is fully lined but you can tell a big difference between that and my tankini. The tankini seemed to have quite a bit more tummy control, sure you had to worry about the top trying to creep up under the flotation belt, but you didn't feel the jiggle like jello below the waist. I have to say this has given me cause to keep the core muscles tight, I am more aware of the jiggling when I don't. Its funny how with the new swimsuit my focus moved from my thighs to my belly. Focus is a good thing.
I've been doing a little weight training as well, and by little I mean little. My darling roommate has some weights and resistance bands that she has given me unlimited access to. I have not taken full advantage of that privileged  however I intend to take it a little more seriously. It is amazing to me how when you start to do something that is good for you, and you feel better after doing it, you still have a hard time doing it consistently.
I have to thank my family and friends for their support and help in this. It's hard telling your brother you can't go to dinner with them because Cafe Rio' isn't really diet approved, or at least the things you like to eat there aren't. It's hard eating before so you don't "pig out" on the bad stuff, it's even harder when you don't and you do eat to much of the bad stuff and feel like death afterward. They have been great in supporting and loving me through this, even when I'm moody.
Today Strider and I went up to Cascade Springs. It's been years since I've been there. It was a beautiful day and a fun experience. I like wanting to do things. I like feeling like I can. I like the changes that I see. I like this new adventure.

The Oil Cap Break-down and other "so called drama"

It is Sunday, it has been a beautiful Sunday. I went to church with my darling little sister and then we bonded the best way possible - a fierce competition to see who could gain the best scores on a video game and making breakfast for lunch.

I truly am blessed with wonderful family and friends. I recognize that more now that I have before. I think I have times where I recognize this but every new understanding seems to bring with it more appreciation, more love, more caring. Maybe it just gets deeper. What ever it is I am grateful for them.

Friday I was driving my car into work. I woke up in plenty of time to get out the door, check the fluids in my car and make it to work on time. I opened the hood and started to check the oil. Since to leave for work on time I have to leave at O'dark Thirty, it was hard to see, but it looked a little low. I took the oil cap off and when to the trunk where I was sure I had an extra quart of oil to top it off, and looked, but no oil. 

Well... I had plenty of time so I put the hood down, let the car warm up and drove to the service station. 

I got there, popped the hood and swore out loud, much to the dismay of one of the customers entering the shop. I had forgotten to put the oil cap back on before shutting the hood and starting the car. Oil had spattered everywhere!! I cleaned it off and began my search for the cap, it had to have fallen down into the recesses of the engine, it just had to of. 

I tried to find my flash light, which was on the cupboard at my house where I had left it. I looked and searched and then I broke down and started to cry, and after swearing out loud chastised myself, but said a silent prayer anyway. It was like I had left my brain at home, what was I thinking, or better yet why wasn't I thinking when I had closed the hood. 

I quickly went through my options... I could call my Dad, but he was at work. I could call Steve, but he was in Lehi and it was his day off and he works hard so I didn't want to wake him. Amy lives close... I tried her but didn't get an answer. I decided Chris works in Orem sometimes and maybe he'd be close. I called him.

I had only slightly composed myself at this point, I was still slightly hysterical and I'm still blaming it on the hormone medications. He answered I told him what was going on, he was at home sick. He told me to call Mark, but I knew he was working. I started walking home, dressed in black pants, my heels and dark winter coat. I was sure I was going to get run over or fall on the ice. He talked to me most of the way home, said he was getting dressed and would be down. I told him not to come till I had made it home to see if it was there by some miracle. 

Precariously I walked the icy path home. It was a miracle I didn't fall, it was even more of a miracle that I found the cap about 10 feet from my parking stall. I called Chris, and walked back to the car, topped it off, put the cap on and drove to work, again saying a silent prayer of thanks. It was a drama experience. I know at the time I was making a bigger deal out of it than it was, but I felt so foolish and scared.

I had a scare recently, and it is amazing to me how things that you wouldn't usually talk about openly seem to become less and less taboo the more you have to deal with it. Also I've found that medical terms are meant to sound scary even when they may or may not be. 

I was diagnosed in December with Endometrial Hyperplasia with atypia, in layman terms - the lining of my uterus had excessive abnormal cell growth. I didn't really freak out till the doctor used the "cancer" word - saying "atypia means there could be cancer growth, or they could just be unusual cells." They didn't know and wouldn't know till after a d&c to remove the lining of the uterus. 

I had the procedure done on the 4th of January, and I should have results tomorrow. The way I look at it right now - no news is good news! I figure if anything had shown up they would have called right away to schedule for a hysterectomy. Since I haven't heard anything I figure that instead I'm just going to use the next forever of my life (or every 6 moths) to get to know my friendly Gynecologist, honestly I just hope they can get the bleeding to stop. I'm tired of it.

Through these experience I've gained an even greater love for those people around me that lift me up and support me. I haven't told many people, mostly because I didn't want to be a project, and secondly, because I've felt like everything is going to be okay. I'm grateful that when I make mistakes those people are there to lift me up and make me feel better. I hope that when others need to be lifted up and made to feel of their own worth, that I can be there to do that. That I can be used as an instrument in allowing them to know how wonderful, meaningful, and special they are. 

April till now... or I've been a blog slacker... and I rant about diapers... and social situations

So my last post was in March, I really have been a blog slacker, but the greatest part about life is that you can always have a re-do. Restart, or Do-over... so here is my big do-over on the blog, updates and more, we'll see if I can keep it up over the next couple of months...


I was going to list everything I'd done and try and post pictures, but really that feels overwhelming, and I think I'd rather babble on and on than try and remember the details that I forgot to write down. Needless to say I had some awesome trips with amazing people that I love very much!


I was watching TV the other night and a commercial came on. It was by Huggies (the diaper company) and it was about how many people can't afford to buy diapers for their baby's so if you buy the diapers and wipes with the "certain label" on them they will donate diapers to these people.


Now, I don't have children and I don't claim to be an expert in the whole diaper industry, but really... I have to buy your over priced diapers to have you, who by the way must be making mint on those things, help out the needy? Then I stopped blaming the people who make a consumer driven product and turned my wrath upon those who "can't afford diapers for their children". Alright, as stated before, I don't have kids, I have no idea the amount of money involved in raising them, but I can tell you right now, that if for some reason I were to have a baby and could not afford disposable diapers for the dear child, I would humble myself enough to use cloth diapers. I mean really... yes, baby poop no matter what stage of life the child is in is disgusting, but instead of trying to have someone else fix the problem, why not take a little responsibility and try and fix it yourself. And actually all the tree-huggers, out protesting the circus coming to town and people that eat at McDonalds, should agree that cloth would be better for the environment, but no... "then you have to touch the soiled mess, and I'd much rather think eating meat is cruel than clean poo from a cloth".


It's the whole you can teach a man to fish parable... I think that our society in general is way too dependent on the free fish and we've all forgotten how to fish for ourselves. We expect to be given everything and not have to work for it!


I keep reflecting on friends that I have that were/are/have been unemployed for quite a while. One in particular kept turning jobs down because he was over qualified and didn't want to work for minimum wage. Really? Lets see, I can look for jobs that I don't want and not have to work and live on the tax payers money, or I could take a job I don't want, try and support myself, and contribute to the community while I look for another job. hmm... I'd rather not work too. However my parents taught me better than that and tried to instill some sort of sense of responsibility in me, hence I would take any job to make ends meet, and look for something better if I needed to, while earning what I could.


I think I'm just really tired of people feeling entitled because their lives aren't perfect, and I'm tired of seeing those that work so hard for their money tossing it down the toilet to help people that are too lazy, unmotivated or proud to get a job that will at least semi-contribute to their situation.


If we aren't the examples for those that come after us, who will be?

"The nearer we get to our heavenly Father," Joseph told the Relief Society sisters, "the more we are disposed to look

with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs." (HC 5:24) Joseph Smith.

So I had a "friend" ask me the other day what my weaknesses are. I think we all have weaknesses. I have a weakness for Ben and Jerry's Phish Food Ice cream, but would I consider that something against me? No. I wouldn't. I wouldn't hold that against anyone. Do I stalk my freezer with the stuff? No. Would I like to... yes :) Am I denying myself something by not? NO! I think if anything I'm making things a little better by allowing myself that pleasure when I've done something I feel needs celebrating.

So what are my weaknesses? Well currently I think I'm too nice. I think actually this is a weakness. Its not one that I'm going to give up, just like Ben and Jerry's this one has a purpose. I seem to look only on the good in people. I've noticed a couple of postings of late on facebook by my friends that have really made me think. I used to wish I could be a little more calloused and judgmental, that I could look at others and not see their potential, however after reading a post by my cousin; I realized that this isn't such a bad weakness to have. He had seen a kid who he immediately thought "Thug" when he saw him, then the kid started playing the piano and his talent came shinning through and the way he was dressed didn't matter any more.

So this isn't such a bad weakness, who doesn't like to see all their best parts in their reflections, and better yet to see those strengths reflected in those around you is just an absolute bonus. Not seeing the bad in people is a gift, and seeing the bad and not holding it against people but striving to help them be their best selves is what we should all be aiming for.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman

I love Neil Gaiman, I loved "The Graveyard Book", and when I ran across this quote yesterday my obsession for him grew. I challenge you to provide me with a more perfect definition of the torture of love.

Valentines Day Idea... :)

Valentines Day is just around the corner and I know it would make mine to get Drew Danburry's new album Goodnight Gary.

Drew Danburry has a new album out Feb 9th that you can listen to from start to finish on his website. You can also download plenty of free songs there too.

http://www.drewdanburry.com


You can purchase the new Drew Danburry album here.

http://www.amazon.com/Goodnight-Gary/dp/B00345F9M2


You can hear the whole album on his Facebook Fan Page's Music Player, as well as become a fan!

http://www.facebook.com/drewdanburry