Birthday Blues

At dinner last night with my cute hubby, he asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I immediately told him I wanted to skip this year’s birthday. I don’t want to have it. He told me that’s not the way it works and asked if this one is really bothering me. It is really bothering me. Turning 40 is really bothering me… and here’s why.

Birthdays are something I’ve always celebrate, and especially my own birthday. It’s a long time running joke in my family that the whole month of November is dedicated to me and my birthday, I think it started one year when it accidently got written on the wrong Month, and I said that’s okay, we can celebrate from there till the end of November.  Ever since then I usually get quite a few calls/texts/facebook messages on the 1^st and 2^nd and days in between till the actual day. It totally messes with everyone who isn’t in on the joke.

I usually have a plan: What I want to do, what kind of cake I want, where I want to have dinner… what age I want to be…. One year we played rock band and had pumpkin cheesecake, one year we did minute to win it games, and yet another year they all surprised me with a family dinner at CPK.

Everyone keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate this year – And “I don’t know” doesn’t seem to be a good enough answer. I’m not sure why I’m feeling so blah about it. I should be embracing this time of my life. I have so much that I’m blessed with, but yet I feel so inadequate.

I long so much to be a mother, and I’m trying my best. I love our son!! I absolutely love the kid, he’s so good!!! That being said he doesn’t need me as a mother, he has one – He’s said himself that it feels weird to call me mom, or step mom, so he calls me his Bonus Mom. I feel put in more of a friend/advocate/mentor role. I also feel disconnected on that front. I don’t know how to make communication easier between us as parents. I’m sure this happens with parents, where the kid check in with one and not the other – so someone always feels clueless – right? This is normal?

I also long for a baby of OUR own. I feel like at 40 that chance is cut off, I’m stupid to even try after that with all the complications that come along with it. Knowing that doesn’t make the longing I feel for that opportunity feel any better, in fact it makes me feel like even more of a failure at this thing called life. When we met and started dating, when we decided to get married, my dear hubby knew of my longing for a child and he was on board with expanding our family. 

I hate that at my last Dr’s appointment I moved from semi healthy to now taking more pills than I have at any time in my life – except when I was taking the DoTerra supplement horse pills, which I hated as well. I'm working towards getting healthy, but I don't feel like I have time to do all that I should, while also making those at home happy, and keeping my home a nice place to be.

I fear that if we do get pregnant that I won’t have the support of my family on it, I know this isn't true, but I also know the age thing is a factor that people talk about. I fear the financial burden it will put on us.

I don’t want to turn 40. I’m sure the day after will just feel like another day. I’ll keep going.  I also feel like a little piece of my hope might die when I blow out those candles.