Birthday Blues

At dinner last night with my cute hubby, he asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I immediately told him I wanted to skip this year’s birthday. I don’t want to have it. He told me that’s not the way it works and asked if this one is really bothering me. It is really bothering me. Turning 40 is really bothering me… and here’s why.

Birthdays are something I’ve always celebrate, and especially my own birthday. It’s a long time running joke in my family that the whole month of November is dedicated to me and my birthday, I think it started one year when it accidently got written on the wrong Month, and I said that’s okay, we can celebrate from there till the end of November.  Ever since then I usually get quite a few calls/texts/facebook messages on the 1^st and 2^nd and days in between till the actual day. It totally messes with everyone who isn’t in on the joke.

I usually have a plan: What I want to do, what kind of cake I want, where I want to have dinner… what age I want to be…. One year we played rock band and had pumpkin cheesecake, one year we did minute to win it games, and yet another year they all surprised me with a family dinner at CPK.

Everyone keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate this year – And “I don’t know” doesn’t seem to be a good enough answer. I’m not sure why I’m feeling so blah about it. I should be embracing this time of my life. I have so much that I’m blessed with, but yet I feel so inadequate.

I long so much to be a mother, and I’m trying my best. I love our son!! I absolutely love the kid, he’s so good!!! That being said he doesn’t need me as a mother, he has one – He’s said himself that it feels weird to call me mom, or step mom, so he calls me his Bonus Mom. I feel put in more of a friend/advocate/mentor role. I also feel disconnected on that front. I don’t know how to make communication easier between us as parents. I’m sure this happens with parents, where the kid check in with one and not the other – so someone always feels clueless – right? This is normal?

I also long for a baby of OUR own. I feel like at 40 that chance is cut off, I’m stupid to even try after that with all the complications that come along with it. Knowing that doesn’t make the longing I feel for that opportunity feel any better, in fact it makes me feel like even more of a failure at this thing called life. When we met and started dating, when we decided to get married, my dear hubby knew of my longing for a child and he was on board with expanding our family. 

I hate that at my last Dr’s appointment I moved from semi healthy to now taking more pills than I have at any time in my life – except when I was taking the DoTerra supplement horse pills, which I hated as well. I'm working towards getting healthy, but I don't feel like I have time to do all that I should, while also making those at home happy, and keeping my home a nice place to be.

I fear that if we do get pregnant that I won’t have the support of my family on it, I know this isn't true, but I also know the age thing is a factor that people talk about. I fear the financial burden it will put on us.

I don’t want to turn 40. I’m sure the day after will just feel like another day. I’ll keep going.  I also feel like a little piece of my hope might die when I blow out those candles. 

Oh how my garden's grown ... excerpts from a letter to a friend.

I keep wanting to tell you about my sweet little garden, the plants I planted this spring, but I keep forgetting to until I walk in or out of my house. I made a mental note this morning to make sure I did. They are so beautiful. The little yellow and pink flowers have exploded and bloomed all summer long. The petunias and marigolds have doubled in size. The African Daisy’s though are what I’m most tickled about right now. They have tripled in size over the summer. They only bloomed in the spring, and then it got too hot, but they kept growing. They are blooming again right now, I think the yellow with the purple center is very pretty, but the white one with the purple middle is my favorite. It just makes me happy to look at it. I also got 2 new blooms for the fall on my Columbine plant, and by blooms I mean stocks that have 5-6 flowers blooming on them. It’s so very pretty. The Day Lilly bloomed again last week too, it sat kind of dormant over the summer. I feel so lucky to have them blooming in both the spring and the fall. I mean technically it is still kind of summer, but I’m leaning more toward autumn. I kind of wish I’d just planted more of the little yellow and pink flowers and not planted the Mixed color alyssum, but the alyssum is pretty too, it just doesn't stand out as much as the others do.

My little lavender plant has struggled a bit. I’m thinking about moving it on the other side of the condenser unit there, but I also want to plan a butterfly bush, so I’m not sure if I will or not at this time. It is doing okay, just not as well as I would have thought.

The Russian Sage has taken off and bloomed multiple times. It’s probably tripled in size as well. The other flowers planted by it (Cone Flower, Lily, and Foxglove) are all spent for the year. They are definitely just spring plants. I say that but thinking back, the Foxglove did bloom twice, once in the spring and once in the summer. The purple Salvia is doing well still though. I planted quite a bit of purple when it comes to bushes and plants. I think its okay, because I can make them stand out with the other color pops I put in. I’ll put a few more in next year over there, or I may move them too and use that as garden space.

The 5 little tomato plants planted turned into 4, then 3. 2 of them merged together and you can’t tell where one ends and the other begins. They are quite full of tomatos but none of them are ripe yet. There are lots of them, but they remain green. There are a couple of them that are as big as my fist, but they remain green. I know I can pick them green if I have to, but every morning I look out my window hoping I’ll see just a little red or pink spot starting. I know it will happen, especially with the cooler nights now, and I have to keep remembering that I planted them kind of late, so they are still trying to catch up.

The Bluebeard bushes that I planted by my bedroom window are beautiful and their tops are full of little blue flowers. The bees love them! There are always quite a few bees in the garden, which makes me happy and I know that I haven’t put anything on the flowers or plants that would hurt them, so I hope whomever they belong to are using the honey. I kind of hope they belong to the people up on 1200 north that sell honey. I’ve wanted to stop and get some for a while now. Maybe I’ll do that this weekend. I love the bees. The cute little neighbor girl upstairs was a little scared of them when I was showing the garden to her, but I told her not to worry, that they wouldn’t hurt her. They are just doing their job, and as long as we are calm and don’t act scared they will ignore us.

I think the name of the little girl that lives upstairs is Destiny. She is sweet, and when I get home, if she’s out on the balcony playing, she makes this little yip sound, like a puppy or small dog, at me till I notice her and say hello. Now I know what the sound is, I’m quicker to look up to see and visit with her. I think maybe she gets a little lonely for people to speak to or play with. I can’t wait for the tomatoes to ripen so I can let her help me pick the ripe ones.

We canned 68 bottles of Spaghetti sauce on Monday. It was quite the feat, but we got all 5 cases done. It made me so happy that we got them all done. We set up Steve’s camp chef out on the back patio and steamed them out there while we blanched, peeled, prepped, bottled and so forth inside. It was so smooth. I can’t believe we hadn't thought of doing that before. I started on Monday morning, I was just puttering about at first making sure we had everything we needed to start, and then I just started doing it. I have to say, it was an awesome feeling of accomplishment, to know that I know how to do it by myself. I've always relied on my mom to help me. I've never taken the lead like that before. I was by myself doing it from about 8:30-10. I started to get just a little bit lonely, and then Carol and Jess showed up. I could have called my Gram to come over and help too, but I knew she had stuff she wanted to get done that morning and would be there to help in the afternoon. I called Jill but she was planning on afternoon too. I was so grateful when Carol and Jess showed up. They helped me get two batches of Spaghetti sauce on the stove to cook down before my mom got home. We were just cleaning up when my mom walked in the door. The sauce turned out nice and thick and delicious. I’m so happy with it. I kept bragging. I think they are all tired of hearing about it. 

Glitches make me grumpy.

I went on to read my blogs in the reading list... and they were all gone. I think this was just a glitch as they are back now, but it caused me to panic for a moment. Then I thought, I wonder if there is anyone out there that check up on mine to read it. I guess it would be nice to know... so if you do, leave me a little note and let me know.
I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking about what to write, or more so how to write it. I have things I want to get off my chest, and this seems like as good a place as any to do it, but I haven't. I just don't know that I want to put the sorrow and loss that I'm feeling into words. Words have power, and part of the power might be in getting rid of them, but part of it makes it more real as well. I don't know... I guess I'll have to just see what flows once I start typing. That's what happens anyway. Maybe I'll write it into a story, that seems to work well, plus you can hide the truth in a story. :)

March Photo A Day

March Photo A Day (lets see if I can do it!)

Day 1: L is for...

Live Living Lettuce!

Day 2: I made this...

A Baby Blanket with Teddy Bears

Day 3: Key

Random key's at the local  locksmith's

Day 4: Lucky

Lucky Penny - Heads up!

Day 5&6: Under Chair:

Silly Ms. Cleo loves to hang out under the chair

Day 7: Fear

I always get a little fearful driving downtown around the Trax trains.

Day 8: Favourite

One of my favourite pictures I've taken so far.

Day 9: Faceless Self Portrait

Day 10: I want...

Day 11: Important

It's important to get up when your alarm goes off,
but also good to have a back up just in case you don't.

Day 12: In the distance

The mountains in the distance on the ride home today looked so shiny!

Day 13: Sound

This little beauty transported dinner tonight and the lid did a little clang all the way there and back, yet it's one of my favorite baking dishes.

Day 14: Tasty

I forgot I wanted to take a picture and started eating first... oops.
Taco's El Pastor. Yum!

Day 15: Explore

All you need is a "Goode's" Atlas and the world is yours

Day 16: 9 O'Clock

Morning walk around a pond with ducks... it was loud for 9 am

Day 17: Green

Did you know it's not felt on a billiard table, but billiard cloth which is wool or a wool polyester blend? Also it can come in other colors, but green is standard.

Day 18: Shoes

Scrapping it all...

I didn't post last week, I was busy cleaning, and by cleaning I mean clearing out the room that has become the catch all for everything I don't have a place for. Usually I'm a pretty organized person, but I realized last week that this room needed a change. Plus the fact that I was getting a treadmill that would take up quite a bit of space, so I needed to "make space" for it to take up. It will go where my guest room used to be, because I have decided I'd rather have this than a bed that rarely gets used.

This is the monster treadmill and I go a screaming deal on it. It's like the room was made just for it!

I realized through all of this organizing and cleaning, that I'm pretty sure my mom could get rid of the boxes of stuff she has of mine in storage. I think if I haven't used it in the 10 plus years I've been away from home I probably don't need it.

Also I realized that I don't take the time to do some of the creating that I like to do. I do some creating. I've been crocheting like nothing else. I've made bath salts and bubble baths and even tried my hand at shower soothers (these didn't turn out so well), I cook and create in the kitchen.

All of my crafting and other miscellaneous stuff fit nicely into the  shelves once I was done.

That being said - why is it that I have crates full of paper and stickers and scrap booking stuff that are just sitting collecting dust and space? Is it that my life isn't important enough to put down on paper anymore? Is it that the photos I take when printed usually find their ways into others homes? I don't know, but I've decided that it is time to scrap the scrap booking supplies. I'm thinking there are others out there who could and would love to give them a good home and who would put them to good use.

I was researching places to donate them to and came across 3 possible candidates:

http://mothersofangelsutah.blogspot.com

http://operationscrapbook.blogspot.com

http://cropsofluv.com

I think all 3 of these have potential, but because the first one is local and I can drop it off in Salt Lake, for that fact alone they are my choice. This being said, if any of you out there would like to come and see if there is anything you would like before I donate it all, I'm totally open to that, just leave me a message and we can set up a time. I think I may even create an open house even on Facebook for it.

Now to go and walk on my new toy. :)

The scariest part of flying is not the flying...

My family had been planning a trip to Disneyland. They'd been planning it for a while, and in typical fashion, I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to go with them. I didn't have the vacation time to take off of work, I had some major car repairs come up that drained most of my savings and I'm not sure if anyone else noticed, but I noticed that my check is a major amount less than it used to be, I'm told this is due to an increase in taxes. I'm not happy about this, but that is another post entirely.

So, they were planning the happy trip and as it got closer and closer, the desire to go grew and grew. My mom and aunt kept saying "You should just fly out for the weekend." I didn't think that this sounded like such a bad idea, except for the fact that I am quite large, and it concerned me that the plane would be full of people and I'd get stuck in the middle trying to belt up my seat belt without drawing attention to the fact that I couldn't. This is an irrational fear, I know, but still after not going to the gym for well over 6 months, and watching the scale show it, it felt like a real enough excuse.

The Disney Magic won out in the end, and I ended up booking a flight to leave on Wednesday and go down and spend Thursday and Friday with the family and then drive home with them on Saturday.

Wednesday night I was met with much anticipation at the Long Beach airport. I say much anticipation because the flight was delayed. However it was a delightful flight, and the seat didn't pinch my hips and the belt fit perfectly, so I'm not sure what I was so worried about.

We got back to the hotel and to my sorrow, the kids were all asleep, and most of the adults too. I said Hi to the few that were awake and turned in for the night. I was awakened the next morning by a phone call from my sweet niece asking me if I'd eat breakfast with them. It made my day. I was greeted by the following

then we made our way to the park. My other nieces and nephews had gone off already to explore the wonders of Lego Land, so I didn't get to catch up with them till later.

but shortly after meeting up we headed to the park. Along the way we met up with my Aunt and cousins and their cute family. I think I caught a great couple of pictures of them, see...

Amy and Mark gave Jory his early Birthday present, and he decided he liked it so much he'd wear it the whole day. I never knew that Dumbo was his favorite Disney character, but apparently it is (don't quote me on this, I just thought from his excitement at the hat that it must be true.)

Then as typically happens I took a few more pictures and then stopped taking pictures and rode rides and played with the family and had a blast hopping between parks.

We met up, the whole group of us, all 20, for dinner. I think we may have overwhelmed Tony Roma's a bit. I was told when we went in there not to order Chicken because they aren't famous for Chicken, so instead I ordered the shrimp pasta. On their menu it says Steak, Seafood, and Ribs... or something to that effect. I don't like Ribs or Steak for that matter... I thought I'd be safe. I wasn't... but dinner with the family was fun!

The next morning I was met by this group...

And was told after making them pose for about 25 pictures, that it wouldn't be Disneyland without me and my camera... awe! But seriously, shortly after taking the photos my camera battery died, so I ended up playing much like I did the day before, only this day we got rained on but not before we had the kids done up like this....

We had a little puppy too, but he was too busy being a puppy to be in the picture.

Even though it was raining it didn't stop us from having a good time. We did take a break from it to go see the production of Aladdin. It was amazing! Even the little kids sat mesmerized by the performers. My favorite part was the Elephant he rode in on during the "Prince Ali" song. It was awesome.

We rode and played and had lunch, and all met back up later to go to the "World of Color". If you haven't been to Disneyland to see this, you need to. It was amazing, and my picture doesn't do it justice.

The next morning we said goodbye to those staying behind for another day of fun and headed out on our way home. After only one sick kid incident we made it to Utah and were met by a terrible snow storm. My mom made us promise we'd stay in St. George, so we found a room there, hunkered down for the night and got up and headed back to "home sweet home" the next morning.

Cleo must have finally missed me, because she wouldn't leave my side for the first 3 days I was home. I think she's pretty much over it now... must be time for another vacation. 

Drum roll please?...

And we are back... almost like I never left, except for that big gap on the timeline between posts. Don't you worry, I'll be a little more dedicated on this whole blogging thing... STARTING TOMORROW. :) I have a bunch of pictures I want to post, and a trip to Disneyland. Who doesn't want to hear about a trip to Disneyland? Well if you are that person who doesn't, then you've been warned to watch for the post and to avoid it. :)