Birthday Blues

At dinner last night with my cute hubby, he asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I immediately told him I wanted to skip this year’s birthday. I don’t want to have it. He told me that’s not the way it works and asked if this one is really bothering me. It is really bothering me. Turning 40 is really bothering me… and here’s why.

Birthdays are something I’ve always celebrate, and especially my own birthday. It’s a long time running joke in my family that the whole month of November is dedicated to me and my birthday, I think it started one year when it accidently got written on the wrong Month, and I said that’s okay, we can celebrate from there till the end of November.  Ever since then I usually get quite a few calls/texts/facebook messages on the 1^st and 2^nd and days in between till the actual day. It totally messes with everyone who isn’t in on the joke.

I usually have a plan: What I want to do, what kind of cake I want, where I want to have dinner… what age I want to be…. One year we played rock band and had pumpkin cheesecake, one year we did minute to win it games, and yet another year they all surprised me with a family dinner at CPK.

Everyone keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate this year – And “I don’t know” doesn’t seem to be a good enough answer. I’m not sure why I’m feeling so blah about it. I should be embracing this time of my life. I have so much that I’m blessed with, but yet I feel so inadequate.

I long so much to be a mother, and I’m trying my best. I love our son!! I absolutely love the kid, he’s so good!!! That being said he doesn’t need me as a mother, he has one – He’s said himself that it feels weird to call me mom, or step mom, so he calls me his Bonus Mom. I feel put in more of a friend/advocate/mentor role. I also feel disconnected on that front. I don’t know how to make communication easier between us as parents. I’m sure this happens with parents, where the kid check in with one and not the other – so someone always feels clueless – right? This is normal?

I also long for a baby of OUR own. I feel like at 40 that chance is cut off, I’m stupid to even try after that with all the complications that come along with it. Knowing that doesn’t make the longing I feel for that opportunity feel any better, in fact it makes me feel like even more of a failure at this thing called life. When we met and started dating, when we decided to get married, my dear hubby knew of my longing for a child and he was on board with expanding our family. 

I hate that at my last Dr’s appointment I moved from semi healthy to now taking more pills than I have at any time in my life – except when I was taking the DoTerra supplement horse pills, which I hated as well. I'm working towards getting healthy, but I don't feel like I have time to do all that I should, while also making those at home happy, and keeping my home a nice place to be.

I fear that if we do get pregnant that I won’t have the support of my family on it, I know this isn't true, but I also know the age thing is a factor that people talk about. I fear the financial burden it will put on us.

I don’t want to turn 40. I’m sure the day after will just feel like another day. I’ll keep going.  I also feel like a little piece of my hope might die when I blow out those candles. 

Oh how my garden's grown ... excerpts from a letter to a friend.

I keep wanting to tell you about my sweet little garden, the plants I planted this spring, but I keep forgetting to until I walk in or out of my house. I made a mental note this morning to make sure I did. They are so beautiful. The little yellow and pink flowers have exploded and bloomed all summer long. The petunias and marigolds have doubled in size. The African Daisy’s though are what I’m most tickled about right now. They have tripled in size over the summer. They only bloomed in the spring, and then it got too hot, but they kept growing. They are blooming again right now, I think the yellow with the purple center is very pretty, but the white one with the purple middle is my favorite. It just makes me happy to look at it. I also got 2 new blooms for the fall on my Columbine plant, and by blooms I mean stocks that have 5-6 flowers blooming on them. It’s so very pretty. The Day Lilly bloomed again last week too, it sat kind of dormant over the summer. I feel so lucky to have them blooming in both the spring and the fall. I mean technically it is still kind of summer, but I’m leaning more toward autumn. I kind of wish I’d just planted more of the little yellow and pink flowers and not planted the Mixed color alyssum, but the alyssum is pretty too, it just doesn't stand out as much as the others do.

My little lavender plant has struggled a bit. I’m thinking about moving it on the other side of the condenser unit there, but I also want to plan a butterfly bush, so I’m not sure if I will or not at this time. It is doing okay, just not as well as I would have thought.

The Russian Sage has taken off and bloomed multiple times. It’s probably tripled in size as well. The other flowers planted by it (Cone Flower, Lily, and Foxglove) are all spent for the year. They are definitely just spring plants. I say that but thinking back, the Foxglove did bloom twice, once in the spring and once in the summer. The purple Salvia is doing well still though. I planted quite a bit of purple when it comes to bushes and plants. I think its okay, because I can make them stand out with the other color pops I put in. I’ll put a few more in next year over there, or I may move them too and use that as garden space.

The 5 little tomato plants planted turned into 4, then 3. 2 of them merged together and you can’t tell where one ends and the other begins. They are quite full of tomatos but none of them are ripe yet. There are lots of them, but they remain green. There are a couple of them that are as big as my fist, but they remain green. I know I can pick them green if I have to, but every morning I look out my window hoping I’ll see just a little red or pink spot starting. I know it will happen, especially with the cooler nights now, and I have to keep remembering that I planted them kind of late, so they are still trying to catch up.

The Bluebeard bushes that I planted by my bedroom window are beautiful and their tops are full of little blue flowers. The bees love them! There are always quite a few bees in the garden, which makes me happy and I know that I haven’t put anything on the flowers or plants that would hurt them, so I hope whomever they belong to are using the honey. I kind of hope they belong to the people up on 1200 north that sell honey. I’ve wanted to stop and get some for a while now. Maybe I’ll do that this weekend. I love the bees. The cute little neighbor girl upstairs was a little scared of them when I was showing the garden to her, but I told her not to worry, that they wouldn’t hurt her. They are just doing their job, and as long as we are calm and don’t act scared they will ignore us.

I think the name of the little girl that lives upstairs is Destiny. She is sweet, and when I get home, if she’s out on the balcony playing, she makes this little yip sound, like a puppy or small dog, at me till I notice her and say hello. Now I know what the sound is, I’m quicker to look up to see and visit with her. I think maybe she gets a little lonely for people to speak to or play with. I can’t wait for the tomatoes to ripen so I can let her help me pick the ripe ones.

We canned 68 bottles of Spaghetti sauce on Monday. It was quite the feat, but we got all 5 cases done. It made me so happy that we got them all done. We set up Steve’s camp chef out on the back patio and steamed them out there while we blanched, peeled, prepped, bottled and so forth inside. It was so smooth. I can’t believe we hadn't thought of doing that before. I started on Monday morning, I was just puttering about at first making sure we had everything we needed to start, and then I just started doing it. I have to say, it was an awesome feeling of accomplishment, to know that I know how to do it by myself. I've always relied on my mom to help me. I've never taken the lead like that before. I was by myself doing it from about 8:30-10. I started to get just a little bit lonely, and then Carol and Jess showed up. I could have called my Gram to come over and help too, but I knew she had stuff she wanted to get done that morning and would be there to help in the afternoon. I called Jill but she was planning on afternoon too. I was so grateful when Carol and Jess showed up. They helped me get two batches of Spaghetti sauce on the stove to cook down before my mom got home. We were just cleaning up when my mom walked in the door. The sauce turned out nice and thick and delicious. I’m so happy with it. I kept bragging. I think they are all tired of hearing about it. 

Glitches make me grumpy.

I went on to read my blogs in the reading list... and they were all gone. I think this was just a glitch as they are back now, but it caused me to panic for a moment. Then I thought, I wonder if there is anyone out there that check up on mine to read it. I guess it would be nice to know... so if you do, leave me a little note and let me know.
I've been thinking a lot lately. I've been thinking about what to write, or more so how to write it. I have things I want to get off my chest, and this seems like as good a place as any to do it, but I haven't. I just don't know that I want to put the sorrow and loss that I'm feeling into words. Words have power, and part of the power might be in getting rid of them, but part of it makes it more real as well. I don't know... I guess I'll have to just see what flows once I start typing. That's what happens anyway. Maybe I'll write it into a story, that seems to work well, plus you can hide the truth in a story. :)

March Photo A Day

March Photo A Day (lets see if I can do it!)

Day 1: L is for...

Live Living Lettuce!

Day 2: I made this...

A Baby Blanket with Teddy Bears

Day 3: Key

Random key's at the local  locksmith's

Day 4: Lucky

Lucky Penny - Heads up!

Day 5&6: Under Chair:

Silly Ms. Cleo loves to hang out under the chair

Day 7: Fear

I always get a little fearful driving downtown around the Trax trains.

Day 8: Favourite

One of my favourite pictures I've taken so far.

Day 9: Faceless Self Portrait

Day 10: I want...

Day 11: Important

It's important to get up when your alarm goes off,
but also good to have a back up just in case you don't.

Day 12: In the distance

The mountains in the distance on the ride home today looked so shiny!

Day 13: Sound

This little beauty transported dinner tonight and the lid did a little clang all the way there and back, yet it's one of my favorite baking dishes.

Day 14: Tasty

I forgot I wanted to take a picture and started eating first... oops.
Taco's El Pastor. Yum!

Day 15: Explore

All you need is a "Goode's" Atlas and the world is yours

Day 16: 9 O'Clock

Morning walk around a pond with ducks... it was loud for 9 am

Day 17: Green

Did you know it's not felt on a billiard table, but billiard cloth which is wool or a wool polyester blend? Also it can come in other colors, but green is standard.

Day 18: Shoes

Scrapping it all...

I didn't post last week, I was busy cleaning, and by cleaning I mean clearing out the room that has become the catch all for everything I don't have a place for. Usually I'm a pretty organized person, but I realized last week that this room needed a change. Plus the fact that I was getting a treadmill that would take up quite a bit of space, so I needed to "make space" for it to take up. It will go where my guest room used to be, because I have decided I'd rather have this than a bed that rarely gets used.

This is the monster treadmill and I go a screaming deal on it. It's like the room was made just for it!

I realized through all of this organizing and cleaning, that I'm pretty sure my mom could get rid of the boxes of stuff she has of mine in storage. I think if I haven't used it in the 10 plus years I've been away from home I probably don't need it.

Also I realized that I don't take the time to do some of the creating that I like to do. I do some creating. I've been crocheting like nothing else. I've made bath salts and bubble baths and even tried my hand at shower soothers (these didn't turn out so well), I cook and create in the kitchen.

All of my crafting and other miscellaneous stuff fit nicely into the  shelves once I was done.

That being said - why is it that I have crates full of paper and stickers and scrap booking stuff that are just sitting collecting dust and space? Is it that my life isn't important enough to put down on paper anymore? Is it that the photos I take when printed usually find their ways into others homes? I don't know, but I've decided that it is time to scrap the scrap booking supplies. I'm thinking there are others out there who could and would love to give them a good home and who would put them to good use.

I was researching places to donate them to and came across 3 possible candidates:

http://mothersofangelsutah.blogspot.com

http://operationscrapbook.blogspot.com

http://cropsofluv.com

I think all 3 of these have potential, but because the first one is local and I can drop it off in Salt Lake, for that fact alone they are my choice. This being said, if any of you out there would like to come and see if there is anything you would like before I donate it all, I'm totally open to that, just leave me a message and we can set up a time. I think I may even create an open house even on Facebook for it.

Now to go and walk on my new toy. :)

The scariest part of flying is not the flying...

My family had been planning a trip to Disneyland. They'd been planning it for a while, and in typical fashion, I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to go with them. I didn't have the vacation time to take off of work, I had some major car repairs come up that drained most of my savings and I'm not sure if anyone else noticed, but I noticed that my check is a major amount less than it used to be, I'm told this is due to an increase in taxes. I'm not happy about this, but that is another post entirely.

So, they were planning the happy trip and as it got closer and closer, the desire to go grew and grew. My mom and aunt kept saying "You should just fly out for the weekend." I didn't think that this sounded like such a bad idea, except for the fact that I am quite large, and it concerned me that the plane would be full of people and I'd get stuck in the middle trying to belt up my seat belt without drawing attention to the fact that I couldn't. This is an irrational fear, I know, but still after not going to the gym for well over 6 months, and watching the scale show it, it felt like a real enough excuse.

The Disney Magic won out in the end, and I ended up booking a flight to leave on Wednesday and go down and spend Thursday and Friday with the family and then drive home with them on Saturday.

Wednesday night I was met with much anticipation at the Long Beach airport. I say much anticipation because the flight was delayed. However it was a delightful flight, and the seat didn't pinch my hips and the belt fit perfectly, so I'm not sure what I was so worried about.

We got back to the hotel and to my sorrow, the kids were all asleep, and most of the adults too. I said Hi to the few that were awake and turned in for the night. I was awakened the next morning by a phone call from my sweet niece asking me if I'd eat breakfast with them. It made my day. I was greeted by the following

then we made our way to the park. My other nieces and nephews had gone off already to explore the wonders of Lego Land, so I didn't get to catch up with them till later.

but shortly after meeting up we headed to the park. Along the way we met up with my Aunt and cousins and their cute family. I think I caught a great couple of pictures of them, see...

Amy and Mark gave Jory his early Birthday present, and he decided he liked it so much he'd wear it the whole day. I never knew that Dumbo was his favorite Disney character, but apparently it is (don't quote me on this, I just thought from his excitement at the hat that it must be true.)

Then as typically happens I took a few more pictures and then stopped taking pictures and rode rides and played with the family and had a blast hopping between parks.

We met up, the whole group of us, all 20, for dinner. I think we may have overwhelmed Tony Roma's a bit. I was told when we went in there not to order Chicken because they aren't famous for Chicken, so instead I ordered the shrimp pasta. On their menu it says Steak, Seafood, and Ribs... or something to that effect. I don't like Ribs or Steak for that matter... I thought I'd be safe. I wasn't... but dinner with the family was fun!

The next morning I was met by this group...

And was told after making them pose for about 25 pictures, that it wouldn't be Disneyland without me and my camera... awe! But seriously, shortly after taking the photos my camera battery died, so I ended up playing much like I did the day before, only this day we got rained on but not before we had the kids done up like this....

We had a little puppy too, but he was too busy being a puppy to be in the picture.

Even though it was raining it didn't stop us from having a good time. We did take a break from it to go see the production of Aladdin. It was amazing! Even the little kids sat mesmerized by the performers. My favorite part was the Elephant he rode in on during the "Prince Ali" song. It was awesome.

We rode and played and had lunch, and all met back up later to go to the "World of Color". If you haven't been to Disneyland to see this, you need to. It was amazing, and my picture doesn't do it justice.

The next morning we said goodbye to those staying behind for another day of fun and headed out on our way home. After only one sick kid incident we made it to Utah and were met by a terrible snow storm. My mom made us promise we'd stay in St. George, so we found a room there, hunkered down for the night and got up and headed back to "home sweet home" the next morning.

Cleo must have finally missed me, because she wouldn't leave my side for the first 3 days I was home. I think she's pretty much over it now... must be time for another vacation. 

Drum roll please?...

And we are back... almost like I never left, except for that big gap on the timeline between posts. Don't you worry, I'll be a little more dedicated on this whole blogging thing... STARTING TOMORROW. :) I have a bunch of pictures I want to post, and a trip to Disneyland. Who doesn't want to hear about a trip to Disneyland? Well if you are that person who doesn't, then you've been warned to watch for the post and to avoid it. :)

The UnValentine

Wow! I haven’t blogged in quite a while… time to start it up again…

As I ponder this Valentine’s Day, I have quite a few thoughts going through my head.

Apparently my brother seems to think I’m way anti romance, or love. He gave me a book for my birthday titled “The UnValentine” by Sam Beeson. It is a very cute book and he said it reminded him of me.

http://www.amazon.com/Unvalentine-Sam-Beeson/dp/1590388437

I can see his point of view on this. I seem to balk at romantic comedies. I think people who have to declare their sappy puppy love on face book and other places should find something more constructive to do with their time, and although I’ve had relationships that have been fun, I’ve never gotten myself too attached.

But does that mean I don’t want romance or feel love? I’ve been watching quite a bit of “Glee” lately. I love the music and it is so over the top cheesy that I can stand it. I like Jane Lynch’s character Sue Sylvester. She is so calloused and hard, but underneath she really is soft. Is this how I come across to my family and those I love now, and have loved in the past? I’ve been through my share of heartbreak; I just don’t let the world know. Is that cold? Maybe. Maybe not. I just don’t see a point in letting others know I’m miserable. I’d rather just come across as a happy carefree person. If you piss me off, I’m not going to let you know about it. I’ll find something else to focus on, something else to care about, and when that wound heals you won’t even know it existed. Unless I really care about you, then you'll know... ask my family.

I do want romance and love, as two of my personal heros can attest – I helped them out with Valentines this year. I loved helping and giving ideas that sometime in the future I can use, but they can test drive and give me feed back on. This year I did send  a card (or two). 

One of these people told me I’m a care giver and that that is why I’m able to help out with the ideas they needed. I needed to hear that, especially when I start feeling like people see me as a cold un romantic anti valentine person.

 And just because I feel like this right now...

http://shop.cafepress.com/do-not-touch-me-cupid

Doesn’t mean that I don’t want this later….

 or this 

http://www.someecards.com/the-walking-dead-cards

What an adventure...

Life really is an adventure. I was doing some recollecting this morning on the past year and the changes that I've made and am making. I am on a journey, and hopefully before I call it quits on this journey I will have lost 100 lbs. I've been making great progress, but its hard. I don't pretend that I don't cheat, because I do. I try to be good but some habits are just so hard to break. I'd really rather have pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream, hash browns, sausage, and or bacon than oatmeal or "healthy" cold cereal. It's hard eating 6 times a day and remembering - "oh, now it's snack time! Stop what you are doing and go eat". That being said, following the rules on eating that Dan, my amazing trainer, has given me, eating oatmeal and healthy cereal for breakfast is working, and I'm feeling good. I notice a difference when I eat and when I don't eat, and with what I eat.
Josh that I work with had almost cured me of my "I have to have a doughnut, because they are here" excuse. I see them, I think that would be good, but not as good as being healthy will feel. I wish that I could do the same thing with Chili Cheese Dogs, but I haven't found that will power yet, they always do, and always will be a weakness to me. Learning to eat healthy after years of not is not easy.
Along with eating healthy is exercise. I started doing water aerobics and got a monthly pass to the rec center. It fun. I really like the teacher on Tuesday nights. She makes it fun but kind of intense at the same time. I enjoy it, I also feel super uncoordinated and silly at times, but everyone else probably feels the same way, so usually I just make a joke and laugh it off. I bought a new bathing suit a week or so ago. I like that it is fully lined but you can tell a big difference between that and my tankini. The tankini seemed to have quite a bit more tummy control, sure you had to worry about the top trying to creep up under the flotation belt, but you didn't feel the jiggle like jello below the waist. I have to say this has given me cause to keep the core muscles tight, I am more aware of the jiggling when I don't. Its funny how with the new swimsuit my focus moved from my thighs to my belly. Focus is a good thing.
I've been doing a little weight training as well, and by little I mean little. My darling roommate has some weights and resistance bands that she has given me unlimited access to. I have not taken full advantage of that privileged  however I intend to take it a little more seriously. It is amazing to me how when you start to do something that is good for you, and you feel better after doing it, you still have a hard time doing it consistently.
I have to thank my family and friends for their support and help in this. It's hard telling your brother you can't go to dinner with them because Cafe Rio' isn't really diet approved, or at least the things you like to eat there aren't. It's hard eating before so you don't "pig out" on the bad stuff, it's even harder when you don't and you do eat to much of the bad stuff and feel like death afterward. They have been great in supporting and loving me through this, even when I'm moody.
Today Strider and I went up to Cascade Springs. It's been years since I've been there. It was a beautiful day and a fun experience. I like wanting to do things. I like feeling like I can. I like the changes that I see. I like this new adventure.

The Oil Cap Break-down and other "so called drama"

It is Sunday, it has been a beautiful Sunday. I went to church with my darling little sister and then we bonded the best way possible - a fierce competition to see who could gain the best scores on a video game and making breakfast for lunch.

I truly am blessed with wonderful family and friends. I recognize that more now that I have before. I think I have times where I recognize this but every new understanding seems to bring with it more appreciation, more love, more caring. Maybe it just gets deeper. What ever it is I am grateful for them.

Friday I was driving my car into work. I woke up in plenty of time to get out the door, check the fluids in my car and make it to work on time. I opened the hood and started to check the oil. Since to leave for work on time I have to leave at O'dark Thirty, it was hard to see, but it looked a little low. I took the oil cap off and when to the trunk where I was sure I had an extra quart of oil to top it off, and looked, but no oil. 

Well... I had plenty of time so I put the hood down, let the car warm up and drove to the service station. 

I got there, popped the hood and swore out loud, much to the dismay of one of the customers entering the shop. I had forgotten to put the oil cap back on before shutting the hood and starting the car. Oil had spattered everywhere!! I cleaned it off and began my search for the cap, it had to have fallen down into the recesses of the engine, it just had to of. 

I tried to find my flash light, which was on the cupboard at my house where I had left it. I looked and searched and then I broke down and started to cry, and after swearing out loud chastised myself, but said a silent prayer anyway. It was like I had left my brain at home, what was I thinking, or better yet why wasn't I thinking when I had closed the hood. 

I quickly went through my options... I could call my Dad, but he was at work. I could call Steve, but he was in Lehi and it was his day off and he works hard so I didn't want to wake him. Amy lives close... I tried her but didn't get an answer. I decided Chris works in Orem sometimes and maybe he'd be close. I called him.

I had only slightly composed myself at this point, I was still slightly hysterical and I'm still blaming it on the hormone medications. He answered I told him what was going on, he was at home sick. He told me to call Mark, but I knew he was working. I started walking home, dressed in black pants, my heels and dark winter coat. I was sure I was going to get run over or fall on the ice. He talked to me most of the way home, said he was getting dressed and would be down. I told him not to come till I had made it home to see if it was there by some miracle. 

Precariously I walked the icy path home. It was a miracle I didn't fall, it was even more of a miracle that I found the cap about 10 feet from my parking stall. I called Chris, and walked back to the car, topped it off, put the cap on and drove to work, again saying a silent prayer of thanks. It was a drama experience. I know at the time I was making a bigger deal out of it than it was, but I felt so foolish and scared.

I had a scare recently, and it is amazing to me how things that you wouldn't usually talk about openly seem to become less and less taboo the more you have to deal with it. Also I've found that medical terms are meant to sound scary even when they may or may not be. 

I was diagnosed in December with Endometrial Hyperplasia with atypia, in layman terms - the lining of my uterus had excessive abnormal cell growth. I didn't really freak out till the doctor used the "cancer" word - saying "atypia means there could be cancer growth, or they could just be unusual cells." They didn't know and wouldn't know till after a d&c to remove the lining of the uterus. 

I had the procedure done on the 4th of January, and I should have results tomorrow. The way I look at it right now - no news is good news! I figure if anything had shown up they would have called right away to schedule for a hysterectomy. Since I haven't heard anything I figure that instead I'm just going to use the next forever of my life (or every 6 moths) to get to know my friendly Gynecologist, honestly I just hope they can get the bleeding to stop. I'm tired of it.

Through these experience I've gained an even greater love for those people around me that lift me up and support me. I haven't told many people, mostly because I didn't want to be a project, and secondly, because I've felt like everything is going to be okay. I'm grateful that when I make mistakes those people are there to lift me up and make me feel better. I hope that when others need to be lifted up and made to feel of their own worth, that I can be there to do that. That I can be used as an instrument in allowing them to know how wonderful, meaningful, and special they are. 

April till now... or I've been a blog slacker... and I rant about diapers... and social situations

So my last post was in March, I really have been a blog slacker, but the greatest part about life is that you can always have a re-do. Restart, or Do-over... so here is my big do-over on the blog, updates and more, we'll see if I can keep it up over the next couple of months...


I was going to list everything I'd done and try and post pictures, but really that feels overwhelming, and I think I'd rather babble on and on than try and remember the details that I forgot to write down. Needless to say I had some awesome trips with amazing people that I love very much!


I was watching TV the other night and a commercial came on. It was by Huggies (the diaper company) and it was about how many people can't afford to buy diapers for their baby's so if you buy the diapers and wipes with the "certain label" on them they will donate diapers to these people.


Now, I don't have children and I don't claim to be an expert in the whole diaper industry, but really... I have to buy your over priced diapers to have you, who by the way must be making mint on those things, help out the needy? Then I stopped blaming the people who make a consumer driven product and turned my wrath upon those who "can't afford diapers for their children". Alright, as stated before, I don't have kids, I have no idea the amount of money involved in raising them, but I can tell you right now, that if for some reason I were to have a baby and could not afford disposable diapers for the dear child, I would humble myself enough to use cloth diapers. I mean really... yes, baby poop no matter what stage of life the child is in is disgusting, but instead of trying to have someone else fix the problem, why not take a little responsibility and try and fix it yourself. And actually all the tree-huggers, out protesting the circus coming to town and people that eat at McDonalds, should agree that cloth would be better for the environment, but no... "then you have to touch the soiled mess, and I'd much rather think eating meat is cruel than clean poo from a cloth".


It's the whole you can teach a man to fish parable... I think that our society in general is way too dependent on the free fish and we've all forgotten how to fish for ourselves. We expect to be given everything and not have to work for it!


I keep reflecting on friends that I have that were/are/have been unemployed for quite a while. One in particular kept turning jobs down because he was over qualified and didn't want to work for minimum wage. Really? Lets see, I can look for jobs that I don't want and not have to work and live on the tax payers money, or I could take a job I don't want, try and support myself, and contribute to the community while I look for another job. hmm... I'd rather not work too. However my parents taught me better than that and tried to instill some sort of sense of responsibility in me, hence I would take any job to make ends meet, and look for something better if I needed to, while earning what I could.


I think I'm just really tired of people feeling entitled because their lives aren't perfect, and I'm tired of seeing those that work so hard for their money tossing it down the toilet to help people that are too lazy, unmotivated or proud to get a job that will at least semi-contribute to their situation.


If we aren't the examples for those that come after us, who will be?

"The nearer we get to our heavenly Father," Joseph told the Relief Society sisters, "the more we are disposed to look

with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs." (HC 5:24) Joseph Smith.

So I had a "friend" ask me the other day what my weaknesses are. I think we all have weaknesses. I have a weakness for Ben and Jerry's Phish Food Ice cream, but would I consider that something against me? No. I wouldn't. I wouldn't hold that against anyone. Do I stalk my freezer with the stuff? No. Would I like to... yes :) Am I denying myself something by not? NO! I think if anything I'm making things a little better by allowing myself that pleasure when I've done something I feel needs celebrating.

So what are my weaknesses? Well currently I think I'm too nice. I think actually this is a weakness. Its not one that I'm going to give up, just like Ben and Jerry's this one has a purpose. I seem to look only on the good in people. I've noticed a couple of postings of late on facebook by my friends that have really made me think. I used to wish I could be a little more calloused and judgmental, that I could look at others and not see their potential, however after reading a post by my cousin; I realized that this isn't such a bad weakness to have. He had seen a kid who he immediately thought "Thug" when he saw him, then the kid started playing the piano and his talent came shinning through and the way he was dressed didn't matter any more.

So this isn't such a bad weakness, who doesn't like to see all their best parts in their reflections, and better yet to see those strengths reflected in those around you is just an absolute bonus. Not seeing the bad in people is a gift, and seeing the bad and not holding it against people but striving to help them be their best selves is what we should all be aiming for.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman

I love Neil Gaiman, I loved "The Graveyard Book", and when I ran across this quote yesterday my obsession for him grew. I challenge you to provide me with a more perfect definition of the torture of love.

Valentines Day Idea... :)

Valentines Day is just around the corner and I know it would make mine to get Drew Danburry's new album Goodnight Gary.

Drew Danburry has a new album out Feb 9th that you can listen to from start to finish on his website. You can also download plenty of free songs there too.

http://www.drewdanburry.com


You can purchase the new Drew Danburry album here.

http://www.amazon.com/Goodnight-Gary/dp/B00345F9M2


You can hear the whole album on his Facebook Fan Page's Music Player, as well as become a fan!

http://www.facebook.com/drewdanburry

Snow

fun with photo shop

The new addition...

Welcome the newest addition to the Marchbanks Family...

Both mom and the little one are home and doing well... and I am so excited to have another nephew to spoil.

We had our first photo shoot, and I have to say, he almost has "blue steel" down...

September Fun

Aerials (or more commonly airs)

Aerials (or more commonly airs):

area a type of skateboarding trick usually performed on half-pipes, pools or quarter pipes where there is a vertical wall with a transition (curved surface linking wall and ground) available.